I recently posted a blog about life being a little tough.
I didn’t know how anyone would react to the words i was saying and what i was thinking. i didn’t want anyone to think i was losing my mind; although i felt like i was. the world just seemed so dark and that was the moment i knew something was wrong. The outreach from my friends/family/followers was so overwhelming. people were telling me about their personal experiences with depression and bipolar disorders; really made me feel less alone. thank you all for understanding and welcoming me to your lives with open arms. you helped me out of the slumps. the love was so unreal and i’m thankful for you all.
These past couple of weeks have been quite the adventure. I’m currently still putting the final pieces of my article together and fitting in life along the way.
While i was away, i learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself, my relationships and what direction i want my life to go.
When it came down to my relationships/friendships, i realized that, well, that some people just suck. the guy who you thought was the bomb.com is actually a narcissist who “gives zero fucks about anyone.” and yes, those were his exact words to me. don’t get me wrong, everyone under the sun warned me about him. they warned me that he was going to “break my heart”. well, the thing about that idea is that you actually have to give them your heart to break it. Yeah i was sad. I was sad because the guy i grew to admire doesn’t want to grow up yet. that is something he needs to do by himself. I guess it’s funny being twenty-five, ya know? We are all out here trying to find ourselves in the world, as well finding out where we wanna be, and who we wanna spend it with. He taught me a lot though. He taught me that i left someone who genuinely cares for me and my well-being, for someone who only cared when it was convenient for him. He taught me that my self worth was so much more important than his random pop-ups and manipulative gestures. So ladies, thank the average joe. He’s the guy to show us that what we’ve been looking for has been in front of us all along. Although time will have to do it’s thing, i’m glad theres someone out there who thinks i’m worth it. I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us. And if you’re reading this and think this “might” be about you, chances are, it is.
Right there along with relationships, i’ve learned a lot about friendships. as you get older, not everyone you expect to help you back up is there. not every face has kind intentions. it’s honestly the people you least expect to come into your life and help you. The text throughout the day asking if you are “doing okay” or “need friend time” was something i never realized i needed. I’m one of those people who give. when i love someone, i give them the respect that one expects in return. But life gets messy and not everyone thinks in such a way. I truly have no idea how i could thank those who would come over at 3am just to talk, or who let me lay with them and while they played video games, yet still had time to play with my hair til i fell asleep. I wanted to say a special shout out to my roommate, Mel and her boyfriend franklin. They had to deal with my sappiness for two weeks and i couldn’t imagine that being easy. the tears that i thought would never end, ended with laughs. the sad thoughts i would have were replaced by positive conversations and energies. the nights where i didn’t want to get off the couch, were replaced with some wine and a whole lot of living room dancing. So, thank you, thank you, and thank you.
lastly, i learned a lot about myself.
I feel like sometimes you just get so wrapped up in everything at once, that when it starts to unravel, you don’t know which piece to try and save first. that’s how i felt at least. i was tearing down my spirit because i felt like i wasn’t good enough for whatshisface. i felt i wasn’t happy with my career and if i’m really happy with where im at. i felt like at one point, i didn’t really matter. I felt insignificant to everything around me.
I titled this blog “girls” because i’ve recently indulged into the HBO series Girls. Seriously, where has this show been all my life?! i couldn’t believe how much i could relate to a television series. If you haven’t seen it, it’s about 4 girls, all entering their mid twenties, and recent grads entering the world. They also live in New York City (minor differences obviously). What i find intriguing about this show is the raw-ness of what it’s really like to be a twenty-something trying not to fuck up. They all have different characteristics and fight different demons, but somehow no matter the differences, you can relate to all of them. The main girl Hannah, who is played by Lena Dunham, is quoted throughout the show as a narcissists and is just over the top with everything she does. Hannah reminds me the most of myself. In the most recent episode i watched, she goes to this open mic night (she’s a writer, go figure) and she said this quote about her ex-boyfriend and her best friend dating.
i was sad, about what i thought they knew i was. and you know what, they weren’t wrong. you know? i had to fight really, really hard to try and not be that girl that they expected me to be. I thought about throwing a bike through his window. but he lives on the third floor, and i have really bad upper body strength and he probably would’ve been like “hey thanks for the bike”. I thought about sending her a text saying, “how does the wind feel caressing your two faces, young lady?”
But instead, i sat and thought and ate and wrote.
but thats me. thats a fact. I’m hannah forever. no matter what i do, whether i start up a mission crisis because of my emotions or just sit back and chill and give someone a fruit basket.
I can only control the mayhem that i create around me.
Girls Season 5: episode 10
after watching that scene, i couldn’t believe how much better i felt that someone put into words how i felt about everything. we all feel lost sometimes. we all lose grip of reality and the journey back to remembering who you are is all part of the plan. I refuse to worry about situations i cannot control and let them influence my well-being. my happiness is so much more than that.
i can only control my happiness, and thats okay with me.
i’ll talk with you all soon