Exactly one year ago today, my whole world came crashing down.
The guy i was in love with didn’t feel the same anymore, and everything we had was gone.
Just like that.
I remember that day so vividly, and still to this day, i replay it in my mind. Screaming at you, telling you how this was all a mistake and you’d regret this one day. I think every girl does that though. You look back at all the memories and conversations and wonder where it went wrong. Where did they just decide they didn’t love you anymore? I spent the months following going back to you and telling myself “he’s going to change his mind”. I truly believed that you’d come back. I knew what we had was special and I always will hold everything we did so dear to my heart. We grew so much together, but i knew one day the universe would have bigger plans for our journey, and that we wouldn’t be together. Months after you left, everything reminded me of you. There are so many things you’ve missed out on in my life, and i’m sure the same goes for you. You told me a few months back when we stopped talking completely to “not put you in my blogs” anymore, and i’m sorry you felt that way. But if there’s one thing i learned from being with you, it’s to not listen to anyone and to do whatever the fuck i want. At one point, I had convinced myself that i wanted to be your friend. I told myself that i’d rather have you as a friend than nothing. And god, do i wish i could go back and smack myself. You didn’t deserve my friendship anymore. I won’t lie and say all the times we’ve randomly bumped into each other didn’t make me stop and catch my breath. I loved you, and part of me always will. The sad part is, i don’t even know who you are anymore.I refuse to look at any social media involving you, because you don’t deserve my audience. And you sure as hell didn’t deserve me. There are so many things i wish i could say to you, but you know what they say, “some things are better left unsaid.” I look at you as a memory. A memory that might make me cry a little and smile, but that’s all you’ll ever be. We were just a couple kids in love, who thought we had the world figured out. Thank you for teaching me so much those years we were in each others lives. Going through my computer trying to bring myself to delete all the texts where you said you’d never let me go, just seem so unreal. Because silly me, truly thought you’d never let go. Writing this, i wipe tears off my face thinking how strong i was to finally let you go.
As thankful as i am, this post isn’t about you.
This past year, i’ve learned a whole lifetime of lessons about life.
I decided i would leave our small town to move to the city. It was scary and i was nervous whether or not i was doing the right thing. But one night, i was laying in bed looking at all the lights and knew this is where i was meant to be. Everything felt right.
Along the way, i’ve met so many interesting people. Many of which became very close to my heart. I was scared to move on, because part of me always felt unready. Until i saw the smile of a guy, who makes me smile just thinking about his. Life’s just so fucking nuts sometimes. I started at a new store, and i was nervous i wasn’t going to get along with anyone. I mean, i could probably have a conversation with wall, but still. I am now glad to have met these people because they’ve shown me a different outlook on life. When you grow up in a town with people you’ve been in the same classes with since you were a toddler, you don’t realize how different people are everywhere else. Moving away showed me who was really involved in my life and who was only really there for convenience. It’s really hard sometimes, ya know? this whole growing up bullshit gets old after awhile. The true colors of others prevails though, you just wait and see.
I think one of the most important things i’ve learned this year, is that loving yourself is more important than anything else. I was talking to a friend the other day about why it seemed so hard to find someone, and it comes down to a simple science. I know what i have to offer and i’m not afraid to eat alone. I am my number one priority, and i will never let someone treat me in a way that i’m important only when it’s convenient for him. I spent too much time making sure you were happy and content, that i would forget about myself. I mean, one of my best friends the other night at dinner even said “i felt like i didn’t even know you when you were with him..” I thought about her saying that the rest of the night, because she was right. I missed out on a lot sitting with you in that bedroom watching you play guitar for hours. Don’t get me wrong, i loved the time we spent together, but it was always about you. I put you on this pedestal and ignored everyone i love. I can’t go back and fix it, but i can be a better friend to those who i neglected the years i was wrapped in my fantasy world.
Looking back, there are many things i wish i would’ve done. I wish i would’ve just put down my phone and spent more time with you. You were always harping on me about it, and you were right. i’d give anything to go back and have one more laugh or adventure, not caring of the consequences. I promised myself that even not being a relationship, to put down the phone. Just like Ferris said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” For so long, i missed the way the sunshine would light up your face. But i will keep the still frames in my mind, knowing those moments were pure, and no camera would do it justice. So to anyone reading this, just do me this solid, and put down your phone and look at the person you love. Really look at them and take it all in, because you never know when you’re gonna have a moment like that again.
I don’t know if you’ll even read this, but I hope you’d be happy to know that i’m doing well. I was in a dark place when you left me. I tried filling your void with drinking and pointless conversations, but I found the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m happy with life, and it gets better with each day. I’ve got someone who makes me smile when i didn’t think it was possible again. He’s pretty cute too. I’ve got family and friends who love me, and most importantly, i’ve got me. You were always the wild catalyst part of my heart, and i hope one day you tell your kids about me. I mean, i am pretty cool. I said earlier that i wouldn’t even know who you are, but truth is, you wouldn’t even know me either. I’m still that same happy-wears her heart on her sleeve-girl, but i’m stronger now. I see all the opportunities at my door and even though it gets overwhelming, i couldn’t be more excited. I look at my struggles and i realize that all had to happen in order for me to get where i am now. There is nothing i can’t face.
I could never wish you ill, because my parents raised me better than that. I’ll always greet you with a smile, but i know i’m simply a stranger in your life now. So thank you for being a part of my past, because I know the future is gonna be just as sweet. You can continue act as if I don’t exist, but we both know that is far from the truth. I’ll continue to live this new life, this happy life.
this is my journey, and i’m ready for whatever lies ahead.
*que the Kelly Clarkson ballad*