To be honest with you guys, i’ve been feeling some type of way. i blame the full moon, but never in a negative way. i’m a believer that the full moon helps pave the way for things to be seen more clearly. Even things we wish we didn’t want to.
Growing up, i was always surrounded by friends. But when you really think about it, your best friend at the time is what made the memories that much better. i remember talking to her everyday, planning the next time we could hangout or whatever adventure would happen. We were glue to the hip.
But things changed. We changed.
So this letter is to you, my old friend.
I thought our friendship would last til we were old ladies.
I thought i was your best friend til the end.
I remember so vividly all the times we would be at each others houses, fixing our myspace’s and making sure we had the coolest song on it. Continuously checking our messages for each other to see if the guys we had crushes on wrote us or wrote on our pictures. Clearly, we were the queens of the peace sign and duck lips. why wouldn’t they want us?! I remember the time when you got a boyfriend and he didn’t like me too much because i was your number one spot on your top eight. Thank god he didn’t stick around for too long. You were my go-to for everything. I felt like the guy i would marry one day would have to be okay with you constantly being around because i never wanted to lose our friendship. You helped me through so much growing up and i’m still so grateful for that.
As we got older, high school was a completely different journey. We knew we would have different friends and different places we wanted to end up, but i didn’t know just how much would change from that. I always put you first. Any time another friend would want to make plans, i would always make sure you didn’t have something planned for us already. You were the girl i would tell all my secrets to. Who i would write notes to when i was bored in class and get caught texting to 24/7. Our friendship wasn’t perfect but our fights were completely mediocre. Arguing whether or not we should go to the soccer game or the basketball game was our biggest problem during those times. I even remember the one time we had a crush on the same guy and he chose you. I acted like it didn’t bother me, but i did. Eventually, i got used to the idea that the guy would chose you over me. I couldn’t blame you though, he had some of the prettiest blue eyes i had ever seen at that time in my life. As time went on and your relationship ended, i was still the one who stood by you. i was there to catch you when you would fall.
Then, you started to date whats-his-face and everything changed. Hanging out with you felt like it needed months of advance planning. I would send you a text and wouldn’t get a response. And when i would ask you about it, you wouldn’t even know what i was talking about. Eventually, we figured out that he was checking your messages and didn’t tell you then would delete them. He was a grade A loser. I hated when he would call you fat or make fun of an outfit you were wearing. Back then, i wish i would’ve done more to stop his abuse. You were beautiful and the world was a brighter place because of you. When he brought you down, you stopped doing your make up because he didn’t want other guys looking at you. You stopped hanging out with the girls who were there from day one. You left behind the friends that were there for you each time he felt like “breaking up” with you, only to go hook-up with another girl and come running back on his terms. You let him destroy the parts that made you, you.
I was so hurt that i felt you chose him over me. I was your best friend, but his sweet talk swayed you. We didn’t speak for awhile after that. Once you guys broke up and the dust cleared, i remember us becoming friends again. It felt like old times and i loved it. We were older yet the fun times still remained. Being careless and doing whatever we wanted were our main priories. Everything seemed like it was normal again. A few months down the line, you began to date another guy. He was nice. I remember you were so nervous that he wasn’t going to like you and can even recall saying to you, “whats not to like?!” Just as history repeats itself, you forgot about those who were there from the beginning.
You forgot about me.
I write this because even as adults, i feel like i will always be second best in your life.
Don’t get me wrong, i will always be here for you and thankful for all the life lessons we learned as we got older.
But you see, when i got dumped, you were the first person i wanted to tell. You didn’t really know him, but you knew i loved him.
i needed you to tell me it was going to be alright.
i needed you to tell me that it was his loss and that he was just some guy who would one day regret it.
i needed you.
But the sad part is, you couldn’t even pick up the phone when i was driving home hysterical and hurt beyond belief. But you sure enough posted a photo on your Instagram. That may have came out a little harsh, but lets face it. Our entire friendship these past few months focuses on you. Even when my world was crumbling, your only concern was how your hair looked or what others thought of you. You only care about yourself.
I feel like as adults, we forget the importance of our friendships. We get so busy trying to make relationships,that are on the fast track to being disasters, work that we lose sight of those who matter. Whether its your family or your friends, make sure you remember those who are by your side when everything goes to shit. Those are your people. Your tribe. Don’t put them on the back burner because you know no matter how much you fuck up, they’ll be there. Much to your surprise though, one day, they won’t be.
So it’s time i step away for awhile. I’ve learned in this life, you cant force things. I wish i could help you see that your other relationships are just as important as whoever you’re dating. It’s time i worry about those who worry about me. Who call or text once a day just to say hey or to make sure i haven’t lost my mind completely.
I hope you’re happy, because i could never wish you ill. I hope one day you think about our friendship and while you’re with your other “friends” you remember me. The girl who took the fall so you wouldn’t get in trouble and took the heat for almost everything. The girl who defended you, even though you were wrong. The girl who loved you like family. The girl who was your other half.
I wish you the best, and nothing less.
your ex-best friend.