The other day i was having a rough day at work. I haven’t really been feeling 100%, physically and emotionally. If you know me at all, you know i wear my emotions on my face. i could tell you that “i’m alright” but my eyes will always tell a different story.
While at work, an older guy came up to the front desk and asked me to break a dollar into quarters. Nothing out of the ordinary, he’s a regular at the store.
After i counted back his change, i said “anything else i can help you with, sir?” and his response was “no ma’am, thank you”. I replied with “Alright, you have a good night” and winced him with a smile i was struggling to put on my face all day.
Within a few seconds, the guy looked at me straight in the eyes and said
i just want you to know brooke, you matter. no matter how hard life gets, just remember you were put here for a reason. you matter. don’t you ever forget that.
I just froze. After a few seconds went by, it was like the guy didn’t really realize what he had said to me as he casually just walked away. did that really just happen? Once again, if you know me at all, i believe there’s so much more than what we can see. I don’t know if i believe in spirits or whatever it may be, but i do believe there is s o m e t h i n g. I believe that guy was meant to tell me that.
Ever since that day, i’ve been “thinking”. I have been thinking about where i am and where i want to be in life. I think of the things i have now, and even the things i lost along the way. I get sad a lot when i think of those people and the memories i made with them. You know, regardless of how things ended, they helped me become who i am today.
When your soul connects with others, you don’t really have an option to just forget about them. i was recently talking with one of my best friends about that. How sometimes you just wish you could forget such a person exists. And sometimes, they don’t anymore. But to our souls, they will always exist. Love isn’t something you can part to the side. You felt and feel these/those things because well, they are fucking real. no matter how much you think you can put them on the back burner, the universe will put them back together.
I wrote a blog a few months back called “how to save a life” and whenever i start to miss my friends i read it. Not to make myself sad, but to remind myself that they were once a part of my life and will always be a part of my heart.
I went to dinner the other night with some girlfriends, and i caught myself talking about a boy who showed me the crazy side of life. I almost forgot for a few minutes that he wasn’t here anymore. I learned so much from him though and everyday was a wild ride. You know, you don’t “plan” on falling in love with the bad boy, but with a smile like his, who could’ve resisted? He wasn’t really bad though. Personally, i think he just saw the light in people you’d least expect. With that being said, it landed him in some sticky situations.
Throughout the day, my mind wanders to another place. I think of him and wonder how life would be if he was still here. Lord knows i would’ve done anything for him. I wonder if he would’ve went to California with his best friends and they would be the modern “savages”. I wonder if i would’ve actually forgiven him for lying to me. I wonder if he’d be proud of me for stop letting people walk all over me and finally standing up. I wonder if he’d just be proud of who i am now. It’s so crazy to me that people after they are gone even have an impact on your life.
While thinking of all this, i wonder what would’ve happen if some stranger just told him “you matter.”
God, some days i just miss his voice. He was the first person i told i wanted to be a writer, you know. whenever i start spitting Biggie rhymes, i always pause at the parts he’d rap. There’s this song that i have on my spotify list called “today”. It was originally done by the Smashing Pumpkins but the version i like is from this movie, “If i stay”. You know, the movie where the girl has to find a way to stay in this dimension and wake up to a world were she is the only survivor. There’s a part of the lyrics where he says “i wanted more, than life could ever bring me”and for some odd reason, every time i hear that verse, i think of him. He could’ve told me the sky was green and i would’ve believed him. He believed in me even though i didn’t believe myself. He used to always tell me that someday, someone was going to love me the way i deserved to be loved. I used to get so mad because i hated that thought. Him not being in my life anymore. Little did i know the sad reality of it actually happening. my heart hurts from time to time thinking he didn’t feel loved. Maybe he did, but then again, maybe he didn’t. i like to believe he did though. the last memory i have is him saying goodbye and telling me “you know you’re always my girl right?” And he flashed that mesmerizing smile, waved..
And i never saw him again.
So much is happening in my life right now, and i wish he was just around to see how things turned out. I think losing him helped me find strength within myself. Strength i didn’t even know i had. I kept going with life. I met someone, who taught me just as much about myself as he did. He even taught me more about love and life. I moved from home. Even when i go visit town, i always drive by his street and blow a kiss into the air. I’ve started my writing. Most importantly, i started seeing the girl he always saw.
i have started seeing the girl who believes in herself.
It’s crazy to think someone reminding you that “you matter” could make you reflect on so much. Because i really do matter, and so does everyone else. I really think people forget that sometimes. I just wish i could hug tyler one last time. Because he mattered, and he always will.
i write this because, I along with a few others i know, have been feeling different about life. Sometimes, all the change just hits you at once. You could have told me a year ago i would be doing this life thing on my own and i would’ve been like “yeah right”. But you see, life had other plans for me. I lost friends, i gained friends, and i found myself. When i forget about my progress throughout these past couple of months, i reread my blogs. I know, it sounds sorta silly, but i reread them and think to myself “wow, i’ve found happiness again.”
If you’re reading this and no one’s told you today…
see you all soon