Sometimes I think to myself,
What the hell am I doing?
The other day, I was in a situation and it kinda took me to a few months back where I was in a dark place. A place where I didn’t really want to be, and I knew I needed to find my way out. A place where I was dumbfounded that someone could just leave, without a care. Seeing this person was so unreal. I couldn’t help but laugh on the way home with my BFF Melissa at how awkward the universe is. I thought maybe the sadness and anger i felt were normal. But as the night went on, I realized, maybe they weren’t.
The past couple of days, I’ve really been looking back and wondering how crazy life is. If you’ve been following my blog postings, you know how things have played out these last few months. Life can be extremely overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I’m always a step behind or I’m not doing this whole adulting thing right. I would ask myself, does every twenty-something feel this way? I feel lost some mornings, that i don’t really know which direction to go next. I even started at a new store and i would come home crying everyday. I just felt like i wasn’t doing anything right.
Today, I was sitting on my balcony reading my Ernest Hemingway book. Whom, might I add, is my favorite writer. I was watching the chaos of I4 and for some odd reason, it was so calming. As the sun went down, and the road cleared, it was all still standing and everything was in it’s place. Instantly, I felt at peace. The scene made me really realize that life isn’t meant to be perfect. You don’t always have to follow the status quo. There is so much beauty in the crazy mess that life gives each of us. I’m doing things at my pace, and that’s all that matters.
I felt alone in a sense. Not that I really was alone, because I’m constantly surrounded by love. Lovers, friends, and most importantly family. It’s as simple as seeing the person who broke your heart to make you step back and really think about how far you’ve come. I’ve accomplished so much and I will continue to succeed. My close friends were the people i went and talked to about what happened, and each of them, in their loving ways, reminded me of just how far i’ve come. I have changed. I’m not that same girl who was broken-hearted and upset all the time. I’m the girl who knows her faults and still walks around enjoying this new life. If you really want to think about how far you’ve come, go through a situation and how you react to it says it all. I knew one day that moment would come and i had envisioned it going so horribly. But I didn’t do anything. My words are of value, and i owed nothing to anyone.
So if you’re reading this, I’m happy and I’m doing the damn thing. I have the world at my feet and I’m anxious to see what else life throws at me. I’m still learning, but I mean we all are right? I will continue to do the things that make me happy. It’s actually quite easier than I thought it was. Being able to walk a block to pick up pizza at 230 in the morning just makes me smile.
I have some things in the works, but I felt that this would keep you all in the know about how things have been going.
See you guys soon ❤️
These feelings won’t go away
They’ve been knockin’ me sideways
Citizen Cope// Sideways