The hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff.
No, i’m totally kidding. I mean, yes, sometimes it is quite difficult to get all your belongings back but maybe you’re better off without getting them. Without all the awkward one-worded text and no replys. Break ups are one of the hardest things we all go through. Whether you are the person who broke up with your significant other, or the opposite, it’s a rough road. When i was broken up with, i thought the world was ending. The hurt i felt was like i had just lost my best friend and didn’t know why. I didn’t know what had happened or what went wrong. I mean sure, no relationship is perfect, but sometimes you just feel so blindsided. I thought we were happy, but maybe his demons overpowered those feelings. I remember trying to drive home and i couldn’t breathe. My heart was so broken that at that point i didn’t know how to fix it. I texted all my best friends to let them know what just went down. They were just as confused as i was. One of the many hard parts of this whole ordeal is not knowing why. No one ever really knows why the person who loves them lets go.
What i can tell you is this is definitely a learning experience. Just like everything else in my life. (complete sarcasm). I always think of that quote by C.S. Lewis, “Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”
Don’t get me wrong, i’ve had my heart broken before, but none quite like this one. Break-ups are such a difficult thing to go through because you’re not just losing the person you thought would be there forever, it feels like you lose everything. You lose the family that became your family. The friends that you both share mutually, but you know it’s still a fresh wound so you try to distance yourself from them. And well, you sorta lose yourself. I remember feeling so distraught all the time. I didn’t know who i was going to tell all my funny stories from work to. I didn’t know who’s shoulder i was going to cry on when my friends would forget to invite me places. i didn’t know where to pick myself up. I thought our love was genuine.
Do you move far enough away so you avoid any contact?
Do you get a new job?
Do you drink the sadness away?
Do you know who you are anymore?
At one point, i was extremely overwhelmed with questions like this. I was filled with so much uncertainty that i would begin to make myself constantly upset. You feel at some point you can’t tell your friends. Not because you don’t trust them, but because no matter what they’d say, it was something you had to figure out on your own. You begin distance yourself from things you once loved. I had to tell the parents of the person, whom i still love, that i couldn’t talk to them. They understand it isn’t forever, but sometimes you need to step away. I was only hurting myself by continuously opening those wounds. You avoid going to those places where you’d love to meet up and eat, not because you were nervous whether or not you’d see them, but because you didn’t want to enjoy a meal without them enjoying it with you. You delete all those songs from your playlist, because every time you hear a single tune, your heart begins to break all over. You’re heart feels heavy every morning. You feel like a piece of you is missing.
Then one day, you wake up.
You remember that the only feelings you should care about are ones who belong to the person looking back at you in the mirror. You begin to remember who you are. Now, i eat wherever i want. Well, anywhere that sells food items that do not involve red meat. I go wherever I want without the fear of being alone or seeing him. I listen to those old songs that i would constantly avoid. Although i don’t have a singing partner anymore, i will still smile and enjoy it. Except Elton John’s Tiny dancer or Edward Sharpe’s home; those guys will be off my radio for awhile. I am becoming the person i was always meant to. I’m the girl now who will say no to an event if it really doesn’t appeal to me. i’m the girl who isn’t afraid to wonder off the paved path. I used to think everything needed a schedule and plans were always needed. Now i’m literally winging it with the hopes of good outcomes (i laughed out loud while writing that) and good times. Life is meant to be lived and that is just what i intend on doing, with or without you.
I see now all those times when people would tell me that “one day you’ll feel better“, seems somewhat true. Everyday is a different battle but I assure you, you will have better and brighter days. I still struggle when something exciting happens in my life and he’s the first person i want to tell. He may have moved on but I didn’t, and that’s okay. I will say that even if you move forward with life, that doesn’t mean you have to stop feeling what you feel. Love doesn’t just disappear. I still think about him all the time, but I know the universe has bigger plans for the both us right now. Maybe one day along the line, we will meet each other again with a smile and we will remember who we were before. For now, i will be living for myself and that is okay too. I may be alone, but i’m not lonely. I’ll always miss him, but I’m doing alright.
I say this to anyone reading, just remember that people heal differently. Sometimes people aren’t ready. They aren’t ready to constantly hear “to be honest, you were too good for him anyway” or “he’s just a really awful guy and be thankful you dodged the bullet“. No, no and even more no. Be the person who just sits there and listens to your fragile friend tell you all the funny stuff that happened between them and happy times. Be the person that someone can just vent to. Be the friend you needed when you had your heart broken. I’m thankful i have friends who constantly remind me of my worth when i forget. I’m thankful the love and good vibes they send my way help me deal with my daily struggles.
So if you’re reading this and find yourself feeling lost or confused, don’t feel alone. I’ve been where you are. It isn’t the place to be, but we all have to have a little struggle to prevail. The comebacks are what makes life more interesting. I believe in you, and you will get through this. I just know it.
Photo: LES, New York, New York. June, 2016.